Consensual Non-Monogamy: Loving Differently

  • Psychologists consider polyamory as a type of consensual non-monogamy.
  • Research shows that consensual non-monogamy reports better relationship satisfaction overall compared to monogamous people.
Consensual Non-Monogamy: Loving Differently.
Image Source: by Gracini Studios / Pixabay .com /Consensual Non-Monogamy: Loving Differently.

Psychologists consider polyamory as a type of consensual non-monogamy. Most people don’t understand how you can love more that one person at the same time. However, most polyamory people use the example of children or pets. How many children do you have? How are you able to love them all at the same time? The same applies to polyamory relationships. The limits aren’t on love but time and energy. These are the two factors that provide the limitation to how many relationships you can have and successfully manage them.

Another Lover

Anita and Solza are couples who practice consensual non-monogamy. Anita was happily married before she met Solza while Solza was in another relationship as well. Tom had been in a long-term relationship for about a year. However, he had come out non-monogamous six months earlier, and they were trying to navigate that change to see if they could carry on as a non-monogamous couple. However, it did not work out for the ex-lover. That was when Solza met Anita.

Within a year of Anita and Solza’s meeting, things became more serious in terms of commitment to each other. Anita’s ex-husband had also realized that things might not work out between the two of them; therefore, they agreed to separate after two years of being open.

Benefits of Consensual Non-Monogamy

Research shows that consensual non-monogamy reports better relationship satisfaction overall compared to monogamous people. This is because polyamory couples can ask for what they want and be more likely to get it met. Anita had been married for seven years before she met with Solza. She had been increasingly frustrated with the mismatch in their libidos and other sexual things that were needed.

As humans, one of the things that really turn us on intellectually, emotionally, and physically is the newness, mystery, and spontaneity. Therefore, once you know someone like the back of your hand, it’s hard to bring it on. However, if you are in consensually non-monogamous relationships, you can transfer that new relationship energy to the previous relationship. Therefore, you come back, bringing more brightness, excitement, and energy into the relationship.

Friends Who Are Lovers

The needs of both partners can also be met elsewhere in case someone is having a hard time or when one of them is going through an ebb. Therefore, it actually doesn’t matter because you are not putting unnecessary pressure on the other partner as they go through a tough time. There is a very entrenched idea that people have to give up everything to be with that person and share their suffering. This is a very powerful narrative, and people buy into it. However, most polyamory couples don’t believe in this narrative. They are used to the idea that you might have different friends and be sleeping with them, or having any form of physical intimacy. However, people still find this quite difficult to wrap their heads around.

Rules of Consensual Non-Monogamy

The same way all relationships have rules, non-monogamy relationships have rules too. These rules are mapped out within each individual relationship. Therefore, anytime one partner breaks the rules, then that’s cheating. People also tend to think that polyamory couples don’t usually have feelings such as jealously or go through difficulty. However, that’s not true; people mess up; it’s difficult and uncomfortable. At times, partners also feel jealous or upset at some point. However, it depends on the degree to which you can sit with that person and not just quit cause it’s difficult.

People also tend to ask a lot about the children whose parents practice consensual non-monogamy. Actually, parents who practice polyamory are more calm, relaxed, and happier when dealing with their families. In an age-appropriate way, polyamory parents open up to their children about what is going on. They express themselves and practice openness with their children and families.

Finally, despite the polyamory practice, couples still love each other and have an intensity of feelings. They strive to create their own stories, have a unique love story, and be happy at the end of it all.

 

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